Life right now

"Imagine being thrown out to sea, the waves crashing over your head and gradually pulling you in deeper, deeper, deeper. You can see people on the shore stretching their arms out to pull you in, but they can never quite reach you. The waves are pulling you under now, they're pulling you down beneath the surface. You begin to panic, gasping for air but only filling your lungs with water. You trash your arms in an effort to reach the surface again, to no avail. Everything hurts. Your chest is aching and your eyes are stinging. Eventually, you start to give up. You feel helpless so you allow the waves to take you, to drag you under."

This is my life right now. My family are hundreds of miles away whilst I am trapped here, alone. I'm trying so hard, I promise I am. I'm doing everything I possibly can to keep my head above the water but some days, I just feel like letting the waves pull me under. What's the point in trying so hard, just for people to throw my efforts back in my face? Every week, I put my absolute everything into getting home leave so that I can be with my family, and every week I am told 'no'. I am lonely. I am homesick. I miss my family. And today, I just wish that the waves would hurry up and pull me under.

Christmas 2015

So, Christmas 2015 has been different to past years! I wasn't allowed to have home leave this year, so we've enjoyed Christmas in a Travelodge instead!

I've had a fantastic day with my family today, even if we weren't at home! At least we were together. I got some wonderful gifts, including a brand new camera that I'd asked for;

Some new jumpers;

And some pens, pencils and a colouring book!

We've had a really great day, even if it had to be spent in a hotel. We had curry for Christmas dinner and played some board games together!

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to my Mum, my sisters, Steve and Alpha Hospital for making my day extra special. Thank you Alpha for the gifts and for doing your best to make our day as good as can be!

A Dash of Positivity

Yesterday, I was feeling rather positive so I thought that I would share a diary extract to you all. I hope that this can help you to add a dash of positivity to your day!

 "29.11.15 

Do you know what I've realised? There's no point in getting attention if it's negative attention. Negative attention will never make you feel as good as positive attention will.

Today, I ripped down all of the negative comments I had stuck on my wall and threw them away; I tidied my bedroom; and I did some positive artwork. Staff, and patients too, were telling me how proud they are of me and how seeing me happy has made their day - that made me feel amazing. It made me proud of how well I'm doing and spurred on my positive outlook on life.

In the past, I've screamed, I've shouted and I've lashed out; sure, people paid attention to me. But did it make me feel good? No. It made me feel embarrassed and humiliated.

I'm learning ways to make people look at me in a positive light, and it feels so fantastic that people are proud of me.

Being in hospital, I'm constantly surrounded by people who are still thriving off of their own negativity. These people aren't getting better, they're just digging themselves a deeper and deeper hole.

One of the key things in recovery is to surround yourself with positivity. For me, that means expressing myself through art and writing, as well as surrounding myself with my friends and family.

By doing this, I am slowly but surely climbing my way out of my hole." 

Living in a Psychiatric Hospital

There are many misconceptions about being in a psychiatric unit, and you may have wondered what it is like living with other mentally ill people. Here I will correct some of the misconceptions and put your mind at ease! (we aren't crazy)

1. Not all hospitals are the same - When I was first admitted to a psychiatric intensive care unit, I vowed that should the need arise again in the future, I would never go back to a private hospital. My first experience in a private hospital was horrific - the staff were all temporary or agency, the building was filthy and crumbling, there was no therapeutic programme and us patients were completely socially isolated. This experience made me terrified of private hospitals, and I automatically assumed that my currently hospital would be the same when I was admitted. But I now know that all hospitals are different. The staff at my current hospital are incredibly caring and supportive, and they are constantly working towards helping you recover in order to return to the community.
2. Your experience is what you make it - If you aren't willing to put the effort into getting yourself better, then you won't get better. It's simple. Nobody can make you better, you have to make yourself better. A hospital can give you pills, they can give you therapy, they can even watch you constantly so that you don't harm yourself - but none of this will make you better unless you put the effort in yourself. I used to think that people could make me better, but now I've realized that I have to be willing to give up my self destructive behaviours, I have to be willing to stay safe and I have to be willing to engage with services, and now I really am getting better
3. Psychiatric hospitals are nothing like they are portrayed in movies - Movies such as 'Girl, Interrupted' mimic societies stereotypical views of what goes on inside a psychiatric unit. Now, I can tell you from first hand experience, psychiatric hospitals are nothing like that. No, you won't be put in a straight jacket. No, you won't be strapped to a bed by leather belts. No, you won't be forced, kicking and screaming, to have your brain zapped. If you are a voluntary (not sectioned) patient, then nobody can force you to do anything. They can't force you to take medications, they can't force feed you. Yes, if you are sectioned you lose some of your rights. But you will still be treated like a human being.
4. Not all mental health patients are demonic murdering psychopaths - Don't worry; you aren't going to be stabbed in your sleep. Although fights and petty arguments still occur in psychiatric units, just as they do in the community, these are very rare and very mild. Staff won't let anybody injure you. Us patients aren't all how society portrays us; we aren't all violent, we don't all sit around talking to aliens from Mars, we aren't all criminals. We are just regular people having a hard time.
5. Unfortunately, you do have to abide by rules - This is something that I have found particularly difficult, being an extremely defiant person. No mobile phones, no smoking, no drinking, no sharps, controlled bed times, controlled meal times, controlled phone call times, controlled activity times, being told when you can and can't have section 17 leave, etc. As restricted as this sounds, it is set up like this in order to help. Having your day scheduled and planned helps to establish a stable routine which is good for your mental well-being. Don't follow my example! Follow the rules.
6. Being in hospital isn't all fun and games - Throughout my admissions, I've met many people who seem to think that being in hospital is a fun experience, and something comical to tell their friends - it isn't. Yes, you are more than entitled to have fun and make friends! Being in hospital shouldn't stop you from having a laugh. But mental health beds are in extremely high demand in the United Kingdom; you should only be admitted to hospital as a last resort. Hospital isn't a good place to be, it isn't fun or comical or a joke. It is a safe place for the mentally ill to get better.
7. It will get better - Things might feel horrific now. Being in hospital may make you feel contained, restricted, isolated and upset, but I PROMISE you it will get better. Work with your care team, follow the rules, and make the most of your admission. I was a wreck when I was admitted. I was a timid, frightened, exhausted girl who was stuck in awful, obsessive, self destructive cycles. I believed that hospital would never help me. I believed that I would succeed in ending my life and I'd never have to be in hospital again. But wow, how things have changed. I have grown as a person. I have dropped my obsessive behaviours. You can do it, too.

Bump in the Road

So, I've had a bit of a bump in the road. But in the grand scheme of things, there are lots of bumps in everyone's roads. When life gets too fast, it sometimes takes a bump in the road to bring you back on track.

But at the minute, I'm okay.

That's the main thing. I'm doing okay, and I want it to stay that way. I still have down days and I'm still not fully independent, but I'm doing okay. I'm not asymptomatic and it may take 12 little pills a day to keep me functioning, but I'm all up for anything that keeps me level-headed.

I suppose I should answer the question of "what have you been up to during your absence?".

The most honest, sincere, truthful, direct, frank, straightforward and... blunt response that I can offer, is not much!

Although, on Wednesday, I did bake the most delicious cakes with our occupational therapist! Apple and coconut cakes with a cream cheese and cinnamon frosting - they were delectable.

Since things have been difficult for me recently, I've been throwing myself into art as a distraction! I realized that if I draw my thoughts and images out on paper and then put the drawings away or destroy them completely, it stops me from dwelling on the my feelings.

Just remember:

Having a relapse doesn't make you a bad person. When you hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up. Never, ever doubt yourself. You CAN do this, no matter how many times your head tells you that you can't.

Look At Me Now

I believe that when you're suffering from a mental illness, it is always possible to reach a turning point. Everyone will reach a turning point at some time in their life.

If you'd have asked me 4 months ago, I'd have never believed that I'd be where I am today.

Four months ago, I was a quivering wreck. I was sleeping rough, I was spending hundreds in order to self destruct, and I was completely and utterly hopeless. I spent the majority of my time hanging about on the streets or in a hospital bed. I could see no future for myself, I had lost all motivation and I didn't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore. If anybody had tried to tell me that I would soon be happy, and that I would soon have a life and a future, I'd have been absolutely convinced that they were lying to me.

If you're reading this and you feel hopeless, worthless, or so deeply unhappy that you can't envision a future for yourself, please listen to me.

Everyone can turn their life around. You can be happy and you can live your life to the full.

My turning point was when I was admitted to hospital. Although it was maybe not the best way to go about it, it worked.

If you want to be happy and have a good life, just go out there and do it! If you want to get better, work your ass off, because you are so much stronger than your thoughts. If you want to be an astronaut, or a nurse, or even a receptionist, you can damn well do it.

Anybody can do anything if they put their minds to it. Take it from somebody who was once convinced that she'd never get better - look at me now.

Being Admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital

Being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is something that anybody would find scary, especially for the first time. Knowing first hand just how scary an experience this can be, I thought that I'd give you a run-through of my admission and write a guide for anybody being admitted for the first time.

Arriving at the hospital 

When I arrived at the hospital, I was led to a comfy room where my admission papers were taken care of and I was introduced to a few members of staff. Although it may be scary, stay as calm as possible at this point - kicking off or attempting to abscond will escalate the situation and make things harder for you in the long run.

After my admission papers were completed, I was led to the 'search room'. Here, staff will search you by patting you down. But don't worry! It isn't as scary as it sounds. They will simply be checking to make sure that you haven't concealed any items that you shouldn't have. You will also likely be scanned by a metal detector, as well as your bags and their contents going through the same process. Anything that is deemed as being unsafe will be put into storage, but you can ask for it back when you're discharged!

You'll usually be introduced to the other patients and be shown around the ward, although this is dependent on how stable you are at that moment in time.

Personally, none of my hospital admissions have been planned in advance, so I've never had the opportunity to pack my own bags. If your admission is planned and you're able to pack your bags, here is a basic list of items to take with you:

Things to bring with you:

• Clothes 
• Socks
• Underwear
• Pyjamas 
• Jumpers
• T-shirts 
• Jeans 
• Comfy bottoms (such as jogging bottoms)
• Slippers
• Shoes

• Toiletries 
• Shampoo and conditioner 
• Toothpaste and a toothbrush 
• Deodorant (roll on only - NO AEROSOLS)
• Hairbrush 
• Shower gel 
• Hair removal cream 

• Things to keep you occupied
• Puzzle books (crosswords, sudoku, codebreakers etc.)
• Colouring books 
• Pencils and pens 
• Books 
• MP3 player (without a camera)
• School work 
• Crochet/knitting 
• Arts and crafts supplies (nothing sharp)
• Portable DVD player and DVD's 

• Money for when you get leave 
• Snacks to store in the patient kitchen

Therapeutic timetable 

Throughout the day, we are encouraged to engage in what is called the therapeutic timetable. The therapeutic timetable is basically a plan for your day, taking into account your therapies, education and activities. It is good to engage in the timetable as it reflects positively on your progress and although at first they may not be your cup of tea, the activities often turn out to be really enjoyable! The timetable offers things such as Occupational Therapy sessions, Psychology sessions, education sessions, mealtimes, time off ward, free time and room access times.

Bedroom access times

Onto the subject of bedroom access! Most units are quite strict on when you can and when you can't access your bedroom - although this can be frustrating, there are valid reasons behind it! Being unable to access your room throughout the day decreases the chance of you isolating yourself, and it also makes you more likely to engage in the timetable. 

Where I am currently, we have to be out of our rooms by 09:00am on weekdays and 11:00am on weekends, then we are allowed back in at 06:00pm.

Being detained under the Mental Health Act

Being 'detained' is often referred to as being 'sectioned'. The Mental Health Act is a legislation that allows people to be kept in hospital and given treatment against their will. This isn't something that is used lightly, so don't worry too much about it - often, people are sectioned if they are too unwell to make decisions for themselves or if they are unwilling to voluntarily engage in treatment or a hospitalisation. 

If you are sectioned, this means that you are not allowed to leave hospital as and when you wish. This can be upsetting and feel very restrictive at first, but after a period of stability, you can be granted something called Section 17 leave, which is another law that allows a detained person to leave the hospital for a period of time.

If you are sectioned, the staff in charge of your care have a legal duty to read your rights to you. Some things included in your rights include the right to vote (if you are over 18), the right to an advocate and the right to appeal your section. 

What is an advocate?

An advocate is somebody that you are entitled to speak to should you have any worries or concerns about your treatment. An advocate is able to speak up for you if you feel unable to speak up for yourself. You have the right to speak to an advocate whether or not you are on a section, and this service is free of charge.

Medication

If you are unwell enough to have been admitted to hospital, then you are likely to be put on medication. People who aren't sectioned have the right to refuse medication, although if your health care professionals are worried that this will be detrimental to your well-being, you can be sectioned and given the medication against your will. 

The best thing to do is to take your medication whether or not you agree with it, and you might be surprised by the results! I was put on medication when I was admitted, and I was adamant that it wouldn't help at all, but it's done me the world of good.

Ward round

Ward round is a meeting between all of the professionals involved in your care that happens on a weekly basis. In ward round, you are able to make requests such as requests for leave, medication reviews, permission to have items in your bedroom and discharge. Ward round is a time to discuss your progress and to see whether anything surrounding your care needs to be changed or altered.

Appealing against your section

If you are on a section, one of your rights is the right to appeal. You have the right to a free solicitor and an advocate who can speak for you. When somebody is sectioned, you will be told how you can make an appeal and the process will be started if and when you choose it to be. Some time after you have appealed, you will have what is called a tribunal. A tribunal is a meeting where your primary healthcare professionals and independent healthcare professionals all meet to discuss whether or not they think you are well enough to be taken off of section.

The more you comply, the faster you will get out;

In the end, the only way that you'll ever get better and you'll ever be allowed to leave hospital is if you comply with treatment. Take your meds, engage with activities, eat at every mealtime, don't abscond, don't kick off, and don't isolate yourself. 

It may seem hypocritical of me to be writing this as I have been guilty of all of these behaviours in the past, but I've learnt from them. When I was first admitted, I was defiant and angry and I didn't want to get better. But, if you are taken into hospital, try and turn it into a positive experience. Think yourself lucky for being given treatment and care 24/7, and make the most of it. If you do what you're told, although at first it may anger you, you will get better sooner and as a result, you'll be able to leave hospital for good.

Alternatives to Self Harm

Self harming is an unhealthy coping mechanism used in order to cope with difficult feelings. Self harming can leave you scarred, ill and even severely injured. Throughout my struggle with self harming, I've learned several healthier ways of coping with my emotions which I thought that I would share!

• Arts and Crafts 
• Drawing 
• Colouring 
• Painting 
• Pottery 
• Knitting 
• Crocheting 
• Origami 
• Decoupage 
• Building 3D sculptures 
• Comic book making 

• Music 
• Learning to play an instrument 
• Writing a song 
• Listening to music
• Going to a gig

• Self-care 
• Have a bath 
• Dye your hair 
• Buy some nice clothes 
• Apply some make-up 
• Go for a walk 
• Read a book 
• Spend time with loved ones 
• Meditation 
• Mindfulness 

• Retail Therapy!
• Buy some stationary 
• Treat yourself to some new clothes 
• Buy soothing bath and beauty products 

• Puzzles 
• Sudoku 
• Crosswords 
• Codebreakers 
• 3D puzzles 
• Jigsaws 
• Puzzle books 
• Wordsearches 
• Family games
• Card games 

• Sensory toys 
• Stress balls 
• Tangles 
• Stretchy toys 
• Bouncy balls 
• Rubik's Cube 
• Playdough/Clay 
• Bouncing putty 
• Sensory lights 
• Bubble lamp/lava lamp 

• Use suicide/self harm hotlines 
• Samaritans 
• Childline 
• British Red Cross Society 
• National Self Harm Network 
• Missing People 
• SARC (sexual assault referral centre)
• MIND 
• Young Minds 
• Out-of-hours GP 
• Emergency services 

• Pet therapy!

I hope that some of these alternative coping mechanisms can help you and prevent you from self harming - you might have to keep trying, trying and trying, but if you try hard enough, they'll work eventually!

World Mental Health Day 2015

So, today is World Mental Health Day.

Having a mental health illness is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Statistics show that over a QUARTER of us will suffer from some form of mental illness in our lifetime.

I used to be too afraid to speak out about my mental illness, I was so worried that people would judge me and bully me. I used to hide the way I was feeling from everybody around me. But I've since learned that I have no reason to be ashamed of the fact that I am ill. I didn't ask to become unwell, and I didn't contribute to my illness, so why should I be afraid to speak out?

As most of you know, I've suffered from a severe mental illness for many years which has resulted in me being hospitalized and sectioned a number of times.

You should never, ever feel ashamed to speak out about the way that you are feeling. Mental illness can be just as disabling and traumatic as any physical illness, which is why both forms of illness should be treated with the same amount of care and attention.

If you are experiencing symptoms of mental illness, please tell somebody as soon as possible. You can't live with a mental illness; you are either recovering from it, or dying from it.

End the stigma, end the taboo, stop the stereotypes. Speak out and speak loud.

Belated Life Update

So, I've been absent for quite a while.
I guess that you could say that I have had a rather rocky few months.

Long story short, I had a terrible relapse around June/July this year, which resulted in me being detained under a section 2 of the mental health act. I was told that the section 2 was only a temporary measure in order for treatment to be given to me against my will, but my mental state continued to deteriorate.

I was sedated, and when I awoke, I was transferred to a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit in Sheffield. I'm currently still in the same unit, which is 170 miles away from my home. My section 2 has been extended to a section 3, which I was initially extremely upset about, but I genuinely believe that the extension has saved my life.

I'm progressing really well! I'm currently on my THIRD overnight leave at home! When I'm at the unit, I'm on 15 minute checks and I'm allowed leave every day of the week! Hopefully I'll be leaving the PICU soon and I'll be transferred to an open ward.

I just wanted to add a thank you to everyone that has supported me the past few months. Thank you for sticking by my side, thank you for checking up on me, and thank you for never losing faith in my ability to get better. 

Then vs Now

"Attention Seeking"

'Attention seeking' is a term that is often used in a derogatory context. I've frequently heard people say things such as:

"S/he is only doing that to attention seek!"
"S/he is an attention seeker because they cut themselves."
"S/he isn't really suicidal - they only took those tablets because they are an attention seeker."

I'm not innocent - I'm also guilty of using the term in a negative way in the past. But I've been thinking recently, is attention seeking really a bad thing?

If, for example, it turns out that somebody is using self harm as a form of gaining attention, should they really be considered 'time wasters' and 'fakes'? If they are harming themselves in order to gain attention, that obviously means that they're lacking positive attention in another part of their life.

If somebody feels the need to go the extreme of harming their own body just so that somebody will take notice of them, they are obviously extremely lonely and unhappy with their life.

Next time you decide to call somebody out on their 'attention seeking' behaviours, or decide to humiliate them and belittle their struggles due to the fact that you think they are only acting in that way to get people to look at them - please think about this. Before you accuse them of attention seeking, first think to yourself, why are they attention seeking in the first place? Maybe they just need a friend or somebody who will listen to them whilst they vent about their struggles.

'Attention seeking' doesn't have to be a derogatory term.