Beat Bullying

When I was 5 years old,  I was diagnosed with sensorineural hearing loss. This meant that I was born deaf, and I had to wear bilateral hearing aids in order to hear. At first, it was exciting! I picked pink sparkly ones for my first pair, and a second pair with cats and dogs printed on them! I couldn't wait to show them to my friends.

Only, when I got to school, the bullying began. Kids would point at me and laugh and try to pull my hearing aids out of my ears. Luckily, I had a brilliant teacher who stuck up for me. He was completely deaf and so wore a cochlear implant to make him hear. He taught me how to lip read and explained to the other children why I wore hearing aids. He stopped anybody bullying me and taught me a lot about compassion.

Then began secondary school. I was one of 'those' kids, the one who never quite fit in anywhere. I was picked on for a multitude of things.

I thought that once I'd left school, all of the bullying would stop.

But what I didn't realize, is just how powerful the internet is.

Long story short, an argument arose over Instagram a few nights ago because a girl had posted inappropriate photos that upset and worried a lot of people. I recommended that she remove the photos as they are inappropriate and upsetting. But rather than simply removing them, all hell broke loose.

Now I am receiving messages from people I don't even know telling me that they are going to "smack my face in" and "slit my throat".

What has this world come to? We live in a world where we're afraid to go out alone because of threats like these.

• attacks
• rapes
• murders
• theft
• peer judgement

I got an anonymous phone call earlier from somebody claiming that they're going to find out where I live and slit my throat. Do you know how terrifying that it?

I envision my life as being beautiful and wonderful, full of peace and serenity, friends and family, a bright future and education. Why can't life be that simple? Why are we so full of hatred and jealousy and loathing and rage, Why do we kill each other, kill ourselves, bully, hurt, injure and abuse one another? Where is it getting us?

Roughly 77% of school  children are bullied or have been bullied. This statistic needs to come down.

Is it any wonder that so many teenagers have mental health problems?

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

So this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Although I myself have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, many of you will know that I have suffered dramatically with my weight as a result of my depression.

I wanted to talk about the stereotypes surrounding eating disorders, and educate people on what sufferers go through on a daily basis.

Now, when you hear the phrase 'eating disorder', I'm sure that the first image that enters your mind is an emaciated, bone-thin girl. Although this is one form of an eating disorder, there are many other types. One thing that you should know, is that eating disorders do not discriminate. You do not have to be deathly thin in order to have an eating disorder. There are many forms of these disorders, just a few being:

• Anorexia Nervosa
• Bulimia Nervosa
• Binge Eating Disorder
• Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)

Anybody can have an eating disorder, whether you're male or female, black or white, religious or not, underweight or overweight.

Although I have never been diagnosed as having an eating disorder, food and body weight has previously been a huge issue for me. I used to struggle with my body image so much that I would restrict the food that I ate, to the point that I became underweight, unwell, and being forced to drink meal supplements in hospital. Now I am quite the opposite. I now binge-eat when I feel emotional, which has left my weight fluctuating and eventually settling in the 'obese' category. 

Eating disorders are just like any other mental health disorder - they are mental disorders. This is where I reiterate that it doesn't matter whether you are underweight, overweight, or even a healthy weight - it is your mindset that dictates whether or not you have an eating disorders and more psychiatrists need to recognize this. 

One of my closest friends, Jazz, has suffered with an eating disorder for the past 4 years and seeing her become so unwell that she was eventually tube-fed in hospital has been heartbreaking. But it has also been wonderful to see her flourish and get better again. Here is an extract written by her in recognition of EDAW:

"For the last 4 years, I've struggled with Anorexia and honestly, it's been HELL - NOT glamorous or romantic like it's often portrayed as by the media and by pro-anorexia sites. My recovery journey has been long and I've certainly had a fair few obstacles to tackle along the way, and my journey is far from over. This will be an issue that I will continue to battle all of my life. But each day I will continue to keep fighting, I will keep eating, keep getting stronger and hopefully gain more positivity along the way." - Jazz Holland 

Nobody can save you from yourself

I remember being 15 years old and being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the first time. I believed that being admitted would cure me, that it would present me with the salvation I was so deeply craving. The idea of being admitted felt almost comfortable - I imagined it being just like the movies portrayed; I'd be wrapped up in bubble wrap, whisked away from my terrible thoughts and protected from myself. Oh, how wrong I was.

You see, in the end, nobody can truly protect you from yourself. The only person who can protect you from yourself is you.

My first admission was a hectic one, to put it lightly. In more accurate terminology, I was an absolute nightmare. Nobody could look after me, and I made sure of that. I was more an angsty, angry teenager as opposed to anything else. I began to blame everyone around me for the fact that I wasn't getting better - I blamed my 'lack of treatment', my 'poor care', my 'futile' care team. Anybody but myself.

During that admission, I spent the majority of my time on a wild path of self destruction. I would go on home leave and self harm, abscond from the unit and self harm, and even bring back items from home to self harm with. I'd jump the fence, just for the hell of it, as well as run away from the on-site school, just because I could. I refused to attend therapy, I refused to take my medications, and point-blank refused any help I was offered. Long story short, I didn't get better during that admission. Looking back now, I know it's because I refused to help myself.

My transformation from angry teenager to the person I am now can only be put down to one thing - maturity.

At the beginning of my most recent admission, I refused to engage and ultimately I got nowhere. Then, I began to help myself. I attended therapy, education and groups, I engaged with staff and patients and began to build my leave up.

And here I am now. I am completely discharged from hospital and I am no longer on section! Sure, I'm not completely better. I still have a long, long way to go yet, but I'm getting there. I still have some down days, and admittedly, I have had a few slip ups along the way. But I'm getting there.

Moral of the story: Nobody can save you from yourself, the only person who can save you is you.