A Dash of Positivity

Yesterday, I was feeling rather positive so I thought that I would share a diary extract to you all. I hope that this can help you to add a dash of positivity to your day!

 "29.11.15 

Do you know what I've realised? There's no point in getting attention if it's negative attention. Negative attention will never make you feel as good as positive attention will.

Today, I ripped down all of the negative comments I had stuck on my wall and threw them away; I tidied my bedroom; and I did some positive artwork. Staff, and patients too, were telling me how proud they are of me and how seeing me happy has made their day - that made me feel amazing. It made me proud of how well I'm doing and spurred on my positive outlook on life.

In the past, I've screamed, I've shouted and I've lashed out; sure, people paid attention to me. But did it make me feel good? No. It made me feel embarrassed and humiliated.

I'm learning ways to make people look at me in a positive light, and it feels so fantastic that people are proud of me.

Being in hospital, I'm constantly surrounded by people who are still thriving off of their own negativity. These people aren't getting better, they're just digging themselves a deeper and deeper hole.

One of the key things in recovery is to surround yourself with positivity. For me, that means expressing myself through art and writing, as well as surrounding myself with my friends and family.

By doing this, I am slowly but surely climbing my way out of my hole." 

Living in a Psychiatric Hospital

There are many misconceptions about being in a psychiatric unit, and you may have wondered what it is like living with other mentally ill people. Here I will correct some of the misconceptions and put your mind at ease! (we aren't crazy)

1. Not all hospitals are the same - When I was first admitted to a psychiatric intensive care unit, I vowed that should the need arise again in the future, I would never go back to a private hospital. My first experience in a private hospital was horrific - the staff were all temporary or agency, the building was filthy and crumbling, there was no therapeutic programme and us patients were completely socially isolated. This experience made me terrified of private hospitals, and I automatically assumed that my currently hospital would be the same when I was admitted. But I now know that all hospitals are different. The staff at my current hospital are incredibly caring and supportive, and they are constantly working towards helping you recover in order to return to the community.
2. Your experience is what you make it - If you aren't willing to put the effort into getting yourself better, then you won't get better. It's simple. Nobody can make you better, you have to make yourself better. A hospital can give you pills, they can give you therapy, they can even watch you constantly so that you don't harm yourself - but none of this will make you better unless you put the effort in yourself. I used to think that people could make me better, but now I've realized that I have to be willing to give up my self destructive behaviours, I have to be willing to stay safe and I have to be willing to engage with services, and now I really am getting better
3. Psychiatric hospitals are nothing like they are portrayed in movies - Movies such as 'Girl, Interrupted' mimic societies stereotypical views of what goes on inside a psychiatric unit. Now, I can tell you from first hand experience, psychiatric hospitals are nothing like that. No, you won't be put in a straight jacket. No, you won't be strapped to a bed by leather belts. No, you won't be forced, kicking and screaming, to have your brain zapped. If you are a voluntary (not sectioned) patient, then nobody can force you to do anything. They can't force you to take medications, they can't force feed you. Yes, if you are sectioned you lose some of your rights. But you will still be treated like a human being.
4. Not all mental health patients are demonic murdering psychopaths - Don't worry; you aren't going to be stabbed in your sleep. Although fights and petty arguments still occur in psychiatric units, just as they do in the community, these are very rare and very mild. Staff won't let anybody injure you. Us patients aren't all how society portrays us; we aren't all violent, we don't all sit around talking to aliens from Mars, we aren't all criminals. We are just regular people having a hard time.
5. Unfortunately, you do have to abide by rules - This is something that I have found particularly difficult, being an extremely defiant person. No mobile phones, no smoking, no drinking, no sharps, controlled bed times, controlled meal times, controlled phone call times, controlled activity times, being told when you can and can't have section 17 leave, etc. As restricted as this sounds, it is set up like this in order to help. Having your day scheduled and planned helps to establish a stable routine which is good for your mental well-being. Don't follow my example! Follow the rules.
6. Being in hospital isn't all fun and games - Throughout my admissions, I've met many people who seem to think that being in hospital is a fun experience, and something comical to tell their friends - it isn't. Yes, you are more than entitled to have fun and make friends! Being in hospital shouldn't stop you from having a laugh. But mental health beds are in extremely high demand in the United Kingdom; you should only be admitted to hospital as a last resort. Hospital isn't a good place to be, it isn't fun or comical or a joke. It is a safe place for the mentally ill to get better.
7. It will get better - Things might feel horrific now. Being in hospital may make you feel contained, restricted, isolated and upset, but I PROMISE you it will get better. Work with your care team, follow the rules, and make the most of your admission. I was a wreck when I was admitted. I was a timid, frightened, exhausted girl who was stuck in awful, obsessive, self destructive cycles. I believed that hospital would never help me. I believed that I would succeed in ending my life and I'd never have to be in hospital again. But wow, how things have changed. I have grown as a person. I have dropped my obsessive behaviours. You can do it, too.

Bump in the Road

So, I've had a bit of a bump in the road. But in the grand scheme of things, there are lots of bumps in everyone's roads. When life gets too fast, it sometimes takes a bump in the road to bring you back on track.

But at the minute, I'm okay.

That's the main thing. I'm doing okay, and I want it to stay that way. I still have down days and I'm still not fully independent, but I'm doing okay. I'm not asymptomatic and it may take 12 little pills a day to keep me functioning, but I'm all up for anything that keeps me level-headed.

I suppose I should answer the question of "what have you been up to during your absence?".

The most honest, sincere, truthful, direct, frank, straightforward and... blunt response that I can offer, is not much!

Although, on Wednesday, I did bake the most delicious cakes with our occupational therapist! Apple and coconut cakes with a cream cheese and cinnamon frosting - they were delectable.

Since things have been difficult for me recently, I've been throwing myself into art as a distraction! I realized that if I draw my thoughts and images out on paper and then put the drawings away or destroy them completely, it stops me from dwelling on the my feelings.

Just remember:

Having a relapse doesn't make you a bad person. When you hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up. Never, ever doubt yourself. You CAN do this, no matter how many times your head tells you that you can't.