Mental health awareness week 2017

In this photo, I could do anything. I could put my body through hell and yet I would always come out the other side as good as new.
In reality, I was dying, and yet I was ignorant enough to believe that I was invincible.

I have countless other photos that might seem more striking to you, but for me, this photo is the one that will always stand out in my mind. The entire time that I believed I was indestructible, my eyes and skin were turning yellow and my body was filling with excess fluid. I was running on adrenaline alone. My life, which felt like a crazy adventure, was anything but.

Nobody will come running to save you from your mental health illness. Nobody will be there to rock you to sleep and protect you from the monsters in your head. Mental health illness isn't romantic - this is real life, not an episode of Skins. Mental health illness is cruel and torturous and isolating. My mental health stole from me my friends and family and education and so, so many years of my life.

When I was sectioned, there was nobody sitting at my bedside holding my hand. There were no "get well soon" cards or flowers adorning my room. Instead, I was 170 miles from everything that I had ever known. I was alone in a strange place with strange people, locked in and unable to continue running from my problems. I was forced to stand up and face the trauma that had encompassed my life for so long.

It is now 2017, and despite the massive amount of effort that people have put into removing the stigma from mental health illness, it is still a taboo subject. I witness this every time that I try to initiate a conversation about my past, and since I try to approach the subject as much as socially appropriate, this isn't an unusual occurrence. These exchanges often result in awkward silences or forceful attempts to change the subject. More people need to know of the horrors that we have battled through and overcome.

Will I ever stop talking about mental health? No.

Mental health illness is something that will forever be a part of my life. Even if one day I completely overcome my struggles and am no longer reliant upon medication, I will still have the tell-tale marks criss-crossing my limbs.

If you want to do even just one good deed this mental health awareness week, please smile at someone. Make someone laugh, offer your assistance or even a shoulder to cry on. Buy the homeless gentleman that you pass everyday a coffee. Pass on your bus ticket when you've finished using it. Pay for the family behind you at a fast food drive-thru. Drop a stranger a random compliment. Help an overwhelmed mother in the supermarket. Ask somebody how their day is going.

Random acts of kindness might not seem like much to you, but you never know who is having a hard time and your good deed could make their entire day.

Be kind.

Where am I now?

So, it's been over 7 months since I last updated on here! There are many reasons for my absence, some of which I won't expand on. But I've been thinking hard and I've decided that nothing, and nobody can prevent me from writing a blog. It's 2016; why is mental health illness still considered a taboo subject? With such a large population of the United Kingdom suffering with some form of mental illness, why are we not more accepting of one another?

Anyhow, referring back to the title, where am I now?

With so many people having been dedicated to reading my blog in the past, I feel obligated to update you on the roller coaster that has been the last few months of my life. So I'll start from the beginning:

When I last did a life update at the beginning of May, I had just started an apprenticeship as a pharmacy dispensing assistant. And now, 8 months since I started, I am still working within the pharmacy although I am no longer an apprentice! The work is absolutely brilliant and it is so much more than 'just a job' to me.

I also began a second job in another pharmacy in early October; I only work there one day a week but I'm enjoying it so much.

In early June, I began feeling breathless. This isn't unusual, since I have brittle asthma. I just continued using my inhalers and carrying on as normal. Then a few days later, I suddenly became extremely short of breath and no amount of nebulisers were helping so an ambulance was called. I was admitted to hospital but continued to become more and more unwell, so I was transferred to the Intensive Care Unit.

I spent a few days in the Intensive Care Unit where they told me that I (once again) had a severe case of pneumonia, but the stress of the situation eventually became too much for me and I made the impulsive decision to discharge myself home before I was well enough. Needless to say, I quickly ended up back in hospital and within a matter of days, I became critically unwell and had an emergency transfer back to the ICU. Things were a lot more serious this time; I was prepped for intubation as they said that my body was too tired to breathe on its own and I needed the help of a ventilator. Luckily, I got through the night without the ventilator and things improved from there.

All the while we were focusing on improving my asthma and making it easier for me to breathe, I began having some problems with sickness. I had a PICC line inserted in mid-July, then I was eventually discharged from hospital for good!

I went to Nottingham at the end of August to meet an amazing friend who I have been talking to online and writing letters to for such a long time. And Jess was just as brilliant as I imagined her being!

We made a day trip up to Sheffield which was just great; I hadn't been to Sheffield since I was discharged from Alpha in January and I felt so happy to be back up there. We even made a slight detour to Alpha itself and it just felt incredible to look at how far I had come in the months since my discharge.

In early September, I started back at college! Some of you may know that I started studying health and social care in 2014 but I was too unwell to complete the course, so it feels really great to be back studying again. I'm not studying a BTEC this year; I am instead retaking my GCSE's in the hopes to start my A-Levels within the next 2 years.

And that brings me to now. In summary, I am working two dream jobs, I am back studying AND I am 8 whole months self harm free. Admittedly, I have had my ups and downs, and these last few months have proven to be some of the hardest I have experienced in a long while. But all in all, I am coping and I finally have a life - something that I could only have dreamed of this time last year.

I am writing this blog to show people that you CAN do this. You CAN recover and live the life that you want to live. All it takes is for you to make that decision for yourself. This time a year ago, I was on a section 3 in a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit suffering with absolutely crippling depression and psychosis - I never once imagined that I would be where I am now. But the only person who has got me to this place, is me.

July 2015 - a number of days before I was sectioned. I was swollen everywhere because my body wasn't coping with being beaten up time and time again, and my eyes and skin were turning yellow.

Now, 2016. I'm happy and my mind is the healthiest it has been in years. At the time of writing this, I haven't harmed myself in 35 weeks. I'm finally content with being alive. 

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Since May is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome awareness month, I figured that I'd do a blog post on the subject.

Being diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome was kind of like a double edged sword - I mean, being told that you have a life-long illness destined to cause you pain and other symptoms doesn't exactly make your day. But then again, getting a diagnosis also gave me a massive sense of relief and hope. This mystery illness, constantly causing my joints to hurt and dislocate, finally had a name. After being told so many times that it was "all in my head", this diagnosis finally gave us the answer we were looking for.

Some people reading this might be wondering right now, "What is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome"?

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is a group of connective tissue disorders, meaning that a genetic mutation has caused the bodies connective tissue to act abnormally. This causes a multitude of symptoms such as joint hypermobility, unstable joints leading to dislocations, chronic pain and fatigue, gastrointestinal symptoms and heart abnormalities. Although many people with EDS live life to the full, the condition can lead to life-limiting and even life-threatening symptoms.

I personally have EDS type 3, also known as the hypermobility type. I get a lot of joint dislocations, especially in my shoulder, hands, knees and feet. I also get joint pain which I take daily pain relief for, and other health complications.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is thought to affect 1 in 5,000 people although it could actually be a lot more common than that! Please share this post so that more people can become aware of this condition. Illness isn't always visible, and this is commonly the case in people with EDS.

Shoulder dislocation

Finding my feet again

This past week has been the best week I've had in what must be months, maybe even years. I feel like I have a whole new lease of life! Things are finally on the up and life is looking positive.

As I mentioned a couple of posts back, on Tuesday I started an apprenticeship as a pharmacy dispensing assistant - and I am loving it! I've learned so much about the pharmaceutical industry in such little time, I've met new people, I've overcome many anxieties and I'm slowly but surely getting my confidence back. I have something to wake up and look forward to each day. I have a reason to keep myself on the straight and narrow, I have something motivating me. This feels like the beginning of a new life for me.

I can't believe that this time 10 months ago, I was being sectioned and sent 170 miles away from home to a psychiatric intensive care unit. I spent 6 months in that hospital, in which time I went through some horrendous ups and downs - and yet, look at me now.

I'm turning my whole life around.

If I can do it, then anybody can. Never, ever doubt yourself.

Onwards and upwards

On Sunday, I was sectioned. And now I am absolutely and totally determined to make that my last ever mental health act section.

I've been letting my defences down recently, and allowing my family to see a part of me that I've kept to myself for all these years. I've allowed people to help me and comfort me. I'm finally letting people in.

Things are actually looking up. I have so many things to look forward to and I feel as though I'm getting over this rough patch and moving onwards.

I don't feel ready to openly talk about what has been happening for me lately, and for the majority of my life, but I'm hoping that one day I will. I've started writing my story down, and I hope one day to publish it.

On Tuesday, I start an apprenticeship as a pharmacy dispensing assistant and I am so excited! I finally have something to keep me on the straight and narrow, something to look forward to every day.

I've realised that every time I'm feeling down from now on, I just need to remind myself that things DO and WILL get better, and right now, I am living proof of that.

I have my family behind me every step of the way and really, that's all that matters.

My lungs are trying to kill me

Yes, you read the title right; my lungs currently are trying to kill me. I have pneumonia, again.

I have been in hospital for 8 days now.

Last week, I was taken to A&E where a chest x-ray revealed that I have pneumonia for the second time in 6 months. I had already been started on IV antibiotics for a different condition, so they continued giving me them in the hopes that they'd kick the infection out of my lungs.

Unfortunately, a couple of days ago I became extremely unwell and it became apparent that the antibiotics I was being given weren't working. Yesterday, I started struggling to breathe - I was so scared. I couldn't talk properly, I couldn't eat or drink or even walk because I was so breathless.

Eventually, things became so serious that the ICU consultant came to see me. My lungs were given the final ultimatum - if they didn't start improving, I would be moved to the intensive care unit.

That night was terrifying. I was alone in hospital with the prospect of ICU hanging over my head, along with the feeling that I was being suffocated by my own lungs. But thanks to the help of stronger antibiotics, things started looking up in the early hours of this morning.

I feel so much better this evening! I've been having plenty of nebulisers, fluids and oxygen which seem to finally be kicking this horrible infection. I still have 7 days left of IV antibiotics, but I'm still hoping that I'll get home before then!

Thank you for all of the continued love and support during these difficult times.

Beat Bullying

When I was 5 years old,  I was diagnosed with sensorineural hearing loss. This meant that I was born deaf, and I had to wear bilateral hearing aids in order to hear. At first, it was exciting! I picked pink sparkly ones for my first pair, and a second pair with cats and dogs printed on them! I couldn't wait to show them to my friends.

Only, when I got to school, the bullying began. Kids would point at me and laugh and try to pull my hearing aids out of my ears. Luckily, I had a brilliant teacher who stuck up for me. He was completely deaf and so wore a cochlear implant to make him hear. He taught me how to lip read and explained to the other children why I wore hearing aids. He stopped anybody bullying me and taught me a lot about compassion.

Then began secondary school. I was one of 'those' kids, the one who never quite fit in anywhere. I was picked on for a multitude of things.

I thought that once I'd left school, all of the bullying would stop.

But what I didn't realize, is just how powerful the internet is.

Long story short, an argument arose over Instagram a few nights ago because a girl had posted inappropriate photos that upset and worried a lot of people. I recommended that she remove the photos as they are inappropriate and upsetting. But rather than simply removing them, all hell broke loose.

Now I am receiving messages from people I don't even know telling me that they are going to "smack my face in" and "slit my throat".

What has this world come to? We live in a world where we're afraid to go out alone because of threats like these.

• attacks
• rapes
• murders
• theft
• peer judgement

I got an anonymous phone call earlier from somebody claiming that they're going to find out where I live and slit my throat. Do you know how terrifying that it?

I envision my life as being beautiful and wonderful, full of peace and serenity, friends and family, a bright future and education. Why can't life be that simple? Why are we so full of hatred and jealousy and loathing and rage, Why do we kill each other, kill ourselves, bully, hurt, injure and abuse one another? Where is it getting us?

Roughly 77% of school  children are bullied or have been bullied. This statistic needs to come down.

Is it any wonder that so many teenagers have mental health problems?